Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize