it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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