Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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