Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
