two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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