At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Come on in and take your pants off
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