Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
