Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's always time for handjobs
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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