I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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