Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
