Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
