please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
