that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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