I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
