My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
