So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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