i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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