you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
