EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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