I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
