mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
