I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
