I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
