i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
