so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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