I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
