dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
