Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
