everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
