remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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