my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
