the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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