her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize