I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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