You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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