I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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