just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
