He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
