When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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