Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize