I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
