ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
