Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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