Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
