the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
