dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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