Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
