I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
