I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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