I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
whose parrot is this?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
