Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
