I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
