Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
being pregnant is like rehab
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
