do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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