I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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