Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
