you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
