You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
this is an emotional support booty call
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
