the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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