She just used a chaser for red wine.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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