..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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