Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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