i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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